i NEED my bike back....

its stifling out here...

i need to flee....

i need my BIKE....

[in the pic : ponchee the hungry birf and urs truly six drinks down]


PRINCETON

PRINCETON last nite ws a lotta fun after a long long time...
mobilising tht social vehicle can be quite relaxing at times [or so i learnt]...
PRINCETON is better than most other night clubs in KOL...
surprisingly cheap booze ,nice comfy couches,dim lights ,irate bartender,obese bouncer,
and a band whose lead cannot sing to save his life,nice crowd comprising mostly of school kids
and trendy rebels.
and when u r in d company of some very good looking wemen...it gets tht lil better.
all tht mobility...meeting ,dating and cheating [as REX wud put it]...so much 2 see,learn n laugh about/at.

i like the wooden flooring there...
when i hve my own studio apartment il have wooden floors...
and one LAZY BOY couch...

Went to see my BEAST today...
she is getting all dressed up and draped in black and chrome...
when she hits d road...she will steal a lotta envious looks...

TATTOO's - i gotta take it to tht next decisive level...

tribals n barbed-wire s are getting painfully and mind-fuckingly boring.

DEATH IS THE ULTIMATE AND RIGHTEOUS EQUALIZER

i was a witness to one more death 2day...
someone close to the family this time...
and i have come to the conclusion that if your not someone absolutely close to the deceased [no blood relation n such] and if ur still howling and crying buckets in front of her pyre,
then ur actually crying at your own closely guarded failures and personal loses

[ that girl/guy you thought you loved and who is now married with 2 kids
or ,tht exam you could never crack
or ,tht job u never had
or ,tht vacation u cannot afford
or ,those kids who never listen to u
or ,may be someone really close who is nomore
a jilted lover may be
a broken heart et all ]

i might be wrong but in the unlikely event tht i am,u have to gimme a darned good reason to prove your point.
i remember the first time i cried in a mourning house...
my late pishi who suffered from cancer which worsened into a paralysis and finally a very ,very early death.
it ws a friday and i had juz returned from P3's tuition.
i ws informed BHARATI pishi is critical,might not survive the night.
OK,here s wht u shd know ...BHARATI pishi ws married a year b4 dad and she used to visit our house probably once in 2-3months
or more or during some occasions n such.
n since i never ws exactly wht u wud like to call a SOCIALLY outgoing person [kid then],i ws not really very close to her.
i liked her though.she ws always good to me [like evry1 else] and the preetiest amongst all my dad's bro s n sis s [DAD follows closely behind though].
but the point im trying to make here is tht i was not very close to her,not close enof to cry seeing her having
convulsions and crying out in sheer agony n pain.
but whn i did see her amidst all her misery in the last hours of her life...i CRIED.
i cried like no other [and she was still breathing then,infact she passed away 48hours later or more may b]
i cried as if i really wanted to.
i cried as if i knew i ws going to lose something,someone close,something/someone i didnt want to lose.
and tht SOMEONE/SOMETHING ws not BHARATI pishi.

FLASH BACK to 6 hours from the time whn i started my crying marathon.

my "THEN" gf and i had this routine of meeting every friday after her computer classes and then going together to P3 classes
2gether.
so there i ws all of 17yrs,illusioned ,glassy eyed lover,waiting for his one true,blue love in front of her computer class ,waiting
for it to get over [ OK ,the year ws 2002,so mobile phone s were beyond d imagination for normal school kids{read non-maru kids}]
after waiting for almost an hour,i start walking towards P3 class - needless to say thoroughly pissed,extremely angry,dejected
and ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
i walk into P3 s class n there she ws seated beside a guy i hate till date ,with all her generosity and modesty and those
OH-SO-BEAUTIFUL eyes [ i loved those eyes].
i gave her "THE-LOOK" and it gave me immense pleasure to see her freezing.
P3 guessed the tension i suppose ,so didnt make an issue bout me being 45mins late and having missed almost d entire chapter.
so i seated my skinny lil ass [i ws 50kgs then] beside my "THEN" best frnd "K".
K did his lil friend [moi] a huge favour by revealing the whereabouts of my THEN gf.
he sed SHE ws at tht GUY's place [the guy she ws still seating beside and the guy i still hate].

KKAAAAA----BOOOOOMMMMMM

i honestly remember hearing explosions in my head.
if u KNOW me ,u d know thts not a good thing to happen to ME [even at 5feet 6inches and 50kgs].
class gets over and K sez ,and i quote - "i have some STUFF tht might make you feel better,u wanna try it??" [all in bengali,his grasp on the queens language
suckz till date]
he didnt even had 2 ask,he shd hav known the answer beforehand.
i take the STUFF... n im officially introduced to the high-headed world of OTC drugs.

i ask for few more of the STUFF from my generous THEN best frnd K humbly obliges.
i come back and im informed about BHARATI pishi s critical state.
and my crying marathon hears the gun shot.


i can give you another such example ,again from personal experience but may be later.


[I later learnt tht she went 2 get notes n tht she had called t ma place to inform tht she wont b able 2 make it 2 d computer class tht day but cdnt reach me ...
but by then the damage had been done]

"when you are young...
you think possibilities are endless"

u cannot judge this sentence...
u cannot come 2 a conclusion...
it dosnt give out a hint or a question or an inference...
it just states...
an hypothesis ,probably...

say ,if it were true...
would tht mean tht whn we are young we THINK possibilities are endless
but actually they are not??
they are few and steadily decreasing in number and size...
and we are but living under the gloomy shadow of a big fukin clock...
which is ticking...ticking away to glory???

and as we grow up to become wiser and fatter...
we realize tht we hav been fools to have thrown away our lives which cud otherwise
have been fabricated into something shiny and attractive...even expensive.
so the tag below our SELF wud have had a few more zeros added to the current wretched number.
but the imbecile tht we were whn we were YOUNG...we made the wrong choice,took the wrong decision.

but who decides tht???

YOU,ME,HE,SHE or THEY???

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

DOLL's HOUSE isnt complete.
most things arnt...
i screwed up CAT [ok u perverts ,im not into beastiality,CAT d exam@ the supposed masterkey to the door tht opens to a form of independence i dnt understand,much to the dismay of my mom and other relatives]

DIL DOSTI ETC is not particularly a blockbuster...but it made me stop n think.
at times do u feel empty...its as if the fire has been hastily put off n the surrounding frigidity has subsidized for its absence...
i say fire coz its a scary element [or atleast thts wht d ancient GREEKS thought]
its denotes power,passion an indomitable zeal.
it might correlate to somthing tht makes u feel warm from inside once its burning...
somthing tht might make u stand in the rain for hours at end and still feel warm
something tht makes u walk miles with a broken foot n still not feel a single shard of pain.
something that stops you from having your food coz of the acute lack of hunger.
something tht makes you run away from tht one single pair of eyes which possessed the power to make you
remember everything you didnt want to.
OR do u??


LOVE is a strange emotion...
its almost like women
cant live with it,cant live without it.
so tht should obviously mean tht its imperative for a healthy life.
its an absolute necessity.

i would LOVE 2 understand it...in spite of the bold n underlined warning signs,i would still want to delve deeper into its shady
corners in the hope of finding something truly amazing.
THANX 2 all those warning signs n slogans...i dnt even need an inspiration.
its the joy of the ride and not the scenic beauty of the expected destination tht matters in journeys concerning
the mind.
body
& soul

WARNING SIGNS have always fascinated me ...
they actually help me decide wht TO DO...and wht not to do.
as i wud like 2 put it...
"im in LOVE with fuk-ups in every shape,size and form."
so is it imperative for my healthy life??
is it still an absolute necessity if FUK-UP's leave behind a hell lotta dismantled,disgruntled and disillusioned people,whose
personal FUK-UP's ws the single n only major reason of attraction??
is this a race or an exam??
is this a war,a battlefield with smudged borders,where warriors involved dont share a common name but a common pre-conceived fate??
is this LIFE or LOVE ??
LOVE for LIFE??
OR
LIFE minus LOVE??


PAINTING
now thts an absolute necessity...
a beautiful ,simple one for a change.
i will make it big,someday.
charcoal makes soft black lines on paper...its kinda permanent...u try and use an eraser and the paper bears the brunt....
starts falling off...
the more u try the more u FUK-UP..
LIFE should be something similar...
or ws it LOVE i ws talking bout...

i planned on posting DOLL's HOUSE but a series of revelations while coming back from the customs office in DALHOUSIE
,made me change my plans.
DOLL's HOUSE can wait.

my last post deals with FREEDOM,or wht i feel the word SHOULD NOT mean.
i attribute the negative nature of the last post both to my inborn pessimism and my lack of
knowledge,depth and insight of wht the word FREEDOM should idealy mean.

i really dont blame myself ,i mean lets face it....
the sensex has crossed 20000
our economy is on class C stimulants
JOHN n BIPS r together
MODI is safe n sound and on his way to becomin d CM of GUJRAT for another term
MAMATA BANERJEE still has no clue wht she wants.
im a TATTOO artist.
and INDIA has been touted as the next superrrrrrr POWER.

There is no great depression
no wars [NANDIGRAM is a little ,tiny n winy isolated issue]
J & K havnt heard the sounds of mortar for quite some time now
no threats of ALIEN INVASION [the scientists claim wht we saw ws an optical illusion]

SO ,in short there are no threats to our apparent FREEDOM.
and there hasnt been any for a long long time...
so how can i expect mysElf to understand what this word means ,huh???



and then i saw HIM

the THIRD kind.
The kind who smiled before they died [RDB hangover]


KHUDIRAM BOSE (1889-1908) was a Bengali Indian freedom fighter, one of the youngest revolutionaries early in the Indian independence movement

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Khudiram_Bose

Im very bad with roads and wemen,it must be STRAND ROAD, opposite to the EDEN GARDENS [for sure].
HIS statue.
one look at HIM and u would kno he died a proud man/boy.
a boy with a mans heart OR a man in a boys body.
not important.
whts important is the way he was standing
with arms tied behind [juz like it must have been right before he ws hanged]
with HIS head looking straight ahead [a young visionary probably forecasting a rebellion]
HIS vision .... BOLD,UNAFRAID AND PROUD.

and all of 19yrs whn he died...
sacrificed [should be a better choice of words]his life for a cause
a cause which is as noble as it gets
a belief which had,has and will inspire millions,billions.

im 22 n i still dont know wht FREEDOM means.

while coming back i saw 2 more visionaries
2 rebels
both very different from each other
but both unique , both MEN.

NETAJI SUBHASH CHANDRA BOSE
SWAMI VIVEKANANDA

YES im aware we all are extremely well educated INDIVIDUALS [i dunno wht this word means too] and we all had our share of obese
history manuals.and we all hated em.
but do we actually spare a thought bout exactly how great ,how selfless these INDIVIDUALS were??
do we respect their sacrifices??
their lives which they had laid down like bricks on a road so tht WE could tread on them and reach our destinations,our mutual destinations??

THEY are the cornerstones of our country
the pillars of morales tht support this great nation

the INDIVIDUALS who sought FREEDOM.
look into their eyes once in ur life when u have time n u wudnt see fear...u wud see their skulpted eyes shining with a
rare kind of modest pride which only they can give out.

DOLL'S HOUSE



coming soon

"freedom comes at a very high price,as high as slavery...only difference being we pay with pleasure and smile ,even if that smile is dimmed with tears" - paulo coelho

FREEDOM is a very powerful word...

to understand the might of this word battles have been fought,blood has been spilled like water,nations have been destroyed and then re-created to be destroyed again,people have been
slaughtered like cattle,women ravaged and children orphaned.
the clouds have been showered with crimson droplets.
sweat has moistened the land below.
and hope has humbled the brute force of the high n mighty.

FREEDOM has divided nations.

60 years of independence from the yoke of the colonial chariot.
rise of a democratic nation.
an economy on steroids.
a future super power.
the RIDE is destined to replace the RIDER.


but if we believe that we all have our own small worlds ,our own small nations with our own small population and associated problems then we cannot disregard the fact tht there is a constant war within tht small world of ours for a FREEDOM which we dont always understand but still pursue with an amazing vigour.

i have been racing against popular beliefs,growing parental expectations,foolish peers equally mindless pressure,fear,hatred,confusion,dimmed violence and the realization of the futility of relationships ,since this word has drilled itself into my mind/soul.

FREEDOM.

NO,its not about doin 100kmph on a freeway with the stubborn wind swooshing past ur ears and screaming for MORE ,MORE and MORE like some cheap pornstar with DDD assets.
NO,its not about rolling tht joint,popping tht pill,snorting tht stash
NO,its not bout hoisting tht flag
NO,its not about screaming at ur folks for showing their concern [or encroaching ur personal space]as to why those red lettered words in the school diary sez SUSPENDED FOR 2 WEEKS FOR INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR.
NO,its not about the PINK FLOYD's,DYLAN's,MORRISON's,COBAIN's OR FOSSIL's [ for my less colonised cousins]
NO,its not about ur dad's credit card or tht obese bank balance
NO,its definately not about tht hairstyle,tht TATTOO,tht bike, and tht cute ,dumb thing who thinks how exciting it wud be 2 be with som1 like U.

FREEDOM.

And we thought we understood the word.

The CARNIVAL is over.
5 days came and went with a pace tht would shame a 1800 cc ROADSTER,
or better my 1981 ROYAL ENFIELD 350 [restored] on their best days.
it has always been like that.
it has been always like tht with vacations,smiles and good-times.
they are always in a hurry to leave.

i love the pujo...i love the smell of the air ,the light aroma of the incense,the dhak er awaj,
the lights,the food [which is not always good or cheap],meeting old friends [even the ones you dont want to meet],
searching through the dazed hundreds of MAD--OX for tht 1 special person [it ws almost a ritual for us 2 meet at the same place
,on the same occasion and say the exact same things since we parted ways....till last year]

*sigh*

i ws never particularly interested in the pandals or the protimas they housed...
im still not...
but its evrythn else tht is so enthralling.

even a guy sporting pink polka dotted shirt with white trousers,red boots and aviators at 3am in the night
dosnt seem outta place or outta this world.

thts d magic...n u have to feel it to understand...or better just FEEL...dnt try to UNDERSTAND

PUJO s spelled new clothes [ lots of them],heavy pocket money,cap-pistols [designed as per the
newest SANJAY DUTT movie],n lotsa ice-cream for me when i ws an adolescent.

as the calendars rolled n i got uglier and goofier cap-pistols were replaced by
night outs with friends ,getting sloshed on cheap whiskey mixed with coke in a running
TATA SUMO,day-outs with the fairer species,lunch,PROTIMA--DARSHAN [if u kno wht i mean],madox,
dope,boot-cuts,hair gel and deodorants.

this PUJO ws different...

something has definately changed...

i felt curiously satisfied with 1 jeans and 1 tshirt.
didnt feel the urge to drink [ though NOBOMI nights pub-hoping ws fun ]
and d MAD crowd at MADOX could hardly retain its power of enchantment...for i felt more at ease
being at XAVIERS during the closing day of THE CANDLE LIGHT VIGIL FOR RIZ than i ever did in any pandal.
Inspite of my mom's incessant bickering my hair didnt seem to be needing the immediate attention
of the GUTKHA-CHEWING NAPIT of the nearest saloon.


YES...something has definitely changed.
im still trying to understand it...
will let u kno as soon as i do.

FOR RIZWANUR REHMAN
... an individual who died for a belief


My candle is burning bright
everynight it burns a little more
a little fast
with a little light

My candle is burning bright
There are masks around too
with camera craving smiles
and eyes polished white
Things said and done
for the shutterbugs plight

But my candle is burning bright
on the fire in your heart
through the tear in your eyes
I see my world
where love never dies
where a candle can wipe
cloud filled skies

A candle
My candle which is still burning bright
against the wind
against the tide
against your law
behind which you hide
fighting the fight
and lighting the night
Is my candle
that is burning bright...

tell me nothn is for ever
somone....anyone

i cant go on hating myself forever...
my visit to the asylum will be preponed by decades then...
i dont want tht ,i really dont...

no nothng is for ever....
this is just a phase and it HAS to pass away like the millions others before.
how wud u feel if u KNOW that there will be somone in this ridiculously happy world who would always HATE you for what u are...

NO not a sad resultant of a relationship gone terribly wrong
NOT an x girl friend who wanted to possess the one thing i was not allowed to give -- MYSELF

an ANGEL...
ARIANA...

im curious....how would you feel if u were hated by an angel...wudnt tht make you fell like a demon??
wudnt u start hating yourslf for being one??
how will u escape this choking feeling of being the disgraced one??
is there any escape at all??

QUESTIONS again

Oh! how i hated them once
how i hate em all the more ,now.
how i will ALWAYS hate them,forever.

but thts not possible ,is it??

nothing is forever...NOTHING.

PEACE - is tht super hot damsel in school who would refuse to acknowledge your very existence coz u ride a HERCULES MTB and not get baby lapped in a long black four wheel drive sedan,coz SHE would always elude you,excite you,tease you,tear you apart.

LIFE was meant to be simple ,wasnt it???


we are wht we are coz of the moments we had survived as juvenile wisecracks
moments we love to hate now that we have MATURED into juvenile delinquents
moments we wish never existed

moments....moments...moments

moments that never were...

moments when u wished for a moment of peace

do u remember of a moment of absolute nothingness
no friends [fortunately],no alcohol,no drugs,no blood,no smell,no hunger,no hunger,no dreams,no sleep
nothing absolutely nothing

no parents,no propaganda,no desires,no lust

no FEELINGS

yes...

no FEELINGS...nothing
no love,hate,loathe,fear

nothing....just nothing...
except an opaque screen straing back at you with its wiry fingers pointed towards you asking all the questions you had successfully managed to evade for 2 decades and 2 years.

is this a disease...are YOU infected??
i kno for a fact this cannot be hereditary
congenital??

thts a possibility

i just figured my next TATTOO...
il have a MOTH on my back...this altar is full of candles i can see...
its gonna be fun...
dnt follow me...

DECLARATION : im losing my sanity

PROMISE has its existence only in the form of an un-used toothpaste brand ,gathering dust for years in a holy corner of a grocery store with a religious name in a shabby neighborhood,coz it is too cheap to be good n probably it also sends out the wrong message to our most important society.

LOVE has been confined to heart shaped balloons tht will float no higher than the nearest telephone cable and wud resist exactly 5 mins of the ghastly wind.

TRUST is what insurance policy sellers [ the likes of my maternal unmarried aunt ] use as a emotional tissue paper to wipe off the last remaining shadow of doubt.

RESPECT is what coke sniffing,dope smoking,booty shaking and bling making afro-american rappers feel for their homies just b4 they pull out a semi-automatic n pump in an impressive number of bullets into their not-so-impressive carcass.


LIFE ....

well LIFE is a heady mixture of all of the above.
so figure.

MY BUTTERFLY

Fly,fly my butterfly
fly with all your might
with all your breathe
with all your strength
Fly,fly away
with all your fears
those priceless,ageless tears
With all the colours
With all the pain
of those overwhelming years

Fly,fly my butterfly
fly till you tire your wings
or are they called dreams?
Where bloody faces
beseech you to stay back and lament
You have to fly ,my butterfly
Dont let the colours fade
Dont burn your wings
Dont slash them with that rusty blade
This morbid easel desires
every drop of your colour
SO fly,fly my butterfly
Fly away from those sleepless nights
Away from the mirror
behind which the demon hides
Away from the blood ,the gore
This breathless chrysalis
this sickening lore
Please,i beg you
wait no more
Fly,fly till you reach the shore

i dont promise a brighter day
or a greener land
i dont promise merry faces,
no mountains,no sand
i dont promise
decorated dreams for you to see
All i promise are fleeting moments
that look like me
SO fly,fly my butterfly
fly till the flutter
of your delicate wings
nurture typhoons of innocent desires
Fly till those faces vanish
behind the shadows of maligned years


Why dont you fly ,my butterfly?
Dont let the fear alarm you
Dont be scared that you would fall
Cause on one fine dawn
you would learn how to crawl
i will be there holding your hand
i will be there when you stand tall.



SO fly,fly my butterfly
You cant stop now
You cant sigh
You cant rest
You cant lie
Cause you have to fly,my butterfly
fly,very high...



Every poem,infact every minute incident happens because of a greater reason.
its been said tht there is nothn ,absolutely nothn called COINCIDENCE.
this poem wasnt supposed to be here in this blog coz it is very close to my heart for reasons tht
some might kno and most others dont need to.
this piece is dedicated 2 d butterfly who flew very high indeed,higher than the reach of
selfish ,ignorant n arrogant mortals like myself.
THANK YOU.

half A.N.G.E.L.S.

and full D.E.M.O.N.S.




inspired by the works of PAUL BOOTH.

THE LAST TIDE

So this is my last tide
Of feelings that were
Numbed by a shallow, hollow pride
While you struggled to breathe
By my frozen side
I sought answers to
the questions that never died

So this is my last tide
With closed eyes
And a heart opened wide
I tried to be someone
Someone else whose eyes never dried
While you looked away and cried
You failed to gaze inside
I swear I tried
While you looked away and cried
I swear I tried
So this is my last tide
Yes, this is my last tide.

THE MAD MAN’S MANUAL

I wish to play
Like a mad man
A mad man in a
Tie-tied world of
sleek, designer illusions

I wish to write
Like a mad man
Immune to the
Plague of tiresome consciousness

I wish to fight
Like a mad man
For every inch
That was and is mine
A fight against time
And a fight against mime

I wish to fly
Like a mad man
With ink marks
Bearing names and dates
Of places and states
With moments etched
In every stone
Of every immortal ruin

I would love to
Love like a mad man
A fierce, feral
Fountain of untamed emotions
That rebels against
The whip of the social manual
And flows like
Only LOVE can

Oh! How I wish
To be a mad man
To be cured of
this chronic disease
of following dictated doctrines
replacing ideas for aeons
Doctrines vying for symmetry
Symmetry that can only compose
But not create
Create the dream called LIFE.

ELAAN workshop

role play

firstly thanx 2 all the members n organizers of the workshop.
and a special thanx 2 BIMBO for trying extremely hard 2 put up with my apparent impassivity.