Momma im coming H.O.M.E

once in a while ur brain is so full of ideas,thoughts,never before felt emotions that evn though u want 2 do somthn bout it,write ur heart out ..... u just dunno whr 2 start.....

first things first ----- im comin back..... bangalore had given me its share of air,wind,thoughts,frnds,foes,fights,laughs,tears,fears n years.....
but it had 2 come 2 an end n im glad im not sorry tht it had to.....
im sick of all these maniplative,narrow minded,soul-less,brain-dead people ....
im sick of the absence of life.....
im sick of being sick....

n im coming back....

THE ZAHIR ---- oh it had 2 come,it just had to.....
Somthn tht once u were exposed to.....conquers ur mind,ur thoughts......somthn tht cannot get un noticed......shdnt get un noticed....
i found HER,oh yes i did.....

LIFE ---- as we kno it

I hav heard more than once ....LIFE as we kno it ,is unfair.....
or more aptly put in d words of CHETAN BHAGAT of the 5 POINT SOMONE fame....
"it screws u just whn u think u hav figured it all out"
true??? untrue???
im yet 2 find out.....
if som1 asks me .... wht sets me apart from d rest n supposedly the BEST [read IITians and IIM grads]????

b4 blinkin once i wud answer "MY PAIN"
sounds like a century old cliche.....im aware....

death ,they say ,makes u value life......its apparently tht damn scary...
if not scary.....its definately sad....

if i cud , i wud hav liked 2 ask it 2 tht senior of mine who got crushed under d bus n reached his destination few decades in advance.....
if i cud,i wud hav liked 2 ask it 2 d father who helped his only autopsied ,cold,carelessly stitched and dead son in 2 d all engulfing fire of the electric pyre.....
did he see death ..... thru d eyes of d dead....the eyes which were but an extension of his own being....
ws he scared.....
ws he lonely????

I DNT KNO....

just like i dnt kno .....wht ws it tht my dying unmarried aunt wit an overgrown tumour in her brain ws tryin 2 tell me whn i ws leavin d city....
d doctors claimed loss of speech ws d last symptom....n they were right.....they were DOCTORS...
did she already kno tht it ws d last time we r gonna see each othr....ws she tryin 2 gimme her last words of advice??
her farewell??
ws she cryin out for help 2 d person who loved lyin beside her and listenin 2 storys which never had an end.....whn he ws YOUNG.....yes i GREW up....n i HATE myslf for tht

just like i hate myslf for all d times i screamed at my mom ,who has 2 inject herself wit synthetic hormones twice daily so tht her blood dosnt turn too sweet.....yes she sez her prayers n believes in HIM....n ME....
I hate HIM n i hate ME....

JUST like i hate being indifferent n apparently rude 2 ma dad.....who invested d last ounce of his blood n sweat ,so tht his only son cud do wht he cudnt.....yes he did lose his touch on d SHOW-ME-UR-LOVE-BY-GIVIN-ME-A-HUG factor.....n i hate him for tht.....
n love him for evrything else.....
and i hate myslf coz i kno tht d words above will b restricted 2 printed ,colourful alphabets on a useless blog......

just like i hate tht paedophilic sick bastard for bein the paedophilic sick bastard tht he is....
just like i hate those voyeuristic looks of deception
just like i hate those lies and promises n the wait n tears tht followed....
oh...how i hate YOU......

Today no one buys my verse's wine
that it may grow in age
To make the senses reel
in many a drinker yet to come
My star rose highest
in the firmament before my birth
My poetry will win the worlds acclaim
when i am GONE.....

MIRZA MOHAMMAD ASAD-ULLAH BEG KHAN GHALIB [1796-1869]

THIS TOO SHALL PASS.....


Hav u ever wondered somtimes u cry
and never know the reason why??
Why you hide your face in the wet pillow
and try to find a paradise
that never was,never will be
Try to rationalize
thats its just dirt in the eyes
Nothing more,nothing else
Why u wish it were different??
Whts wrong with the present??
Why is the past so blurred??
Why dont you like it,like the others can??
Can you remember a kiss from your mother??
A single piece of mind
A kiss tht you cud never find
A father busy with work
tired and busy,busy and tired
He was fighting for u,now u understand
but did he hav to be so wired
When one word could have said it all
just one word,one touch of affection
that never was,never will be
Have you evr wondered why
you crave for the closeness of the skin??
the warmth,the sense of belonging
Somwhere,Some day ,to Someone,
and hav u felt the fear
of losing it like you always do??
Of having to live a death everyday
every second of evry minute of evry hour??
How tears tastes so sweet
whn your life becomes sour??

And now its too late u claim
you hav changed,you hav built your walls
with the silence ,with the blame
You wont let them enter
they hav closed the doors for them
You hav just tightened the hasp
You hav struck the last nail
Your indiffrence is not frail
NO ,this time u wont fail
this time you wont wail

Have u evr wondered why ur so dissimilar??
can you explain ur persistent
resistant to elation??
can you explain your corporal dejection??
can you decipher the secret
code of your over-whelming wretchedness??
why you despise sympathy,
plastic words of fake love??
the red heart,the music cards,the white dove
why do you hav to bleed to feel alive??
who do you fight evryday to survive??
does the spider spin its web of questions
or are the questions spinning the spider
in its eternal web
strangling it to a righteous death??

no u havnt,u cant,u never will
cause u havnt lived my life for me
You werent there whn i cried
You werent there 2 tend 2 my wounds
when i bled,when i died a hundred deaths
You werent there to cry with me
You werent there to die with me
You werent there to give me a warm embrace
thats all i ever needed,i ever need
but this too shall pass
coz i will never plead
coz my skin has hardened
n i will never bleed
not anymore u hear me??
this too shall pass
and il be standin and watchin....
like always...
and i shall smile again...

ABOUT ---- ME

I hav come 2 accept d fact tht im self destructive....som sorta time bomb....who is destined 2 blow up in2 smoke,dust, flames & splinters & ashes som day...som time --
leaving behind an obscene number of casualties --
who wud never understand "WHY??"
....with tht 1 decisive shift of the hands of tht 1 decisive clock...On tht 1 decisive moment....
will the sound of my destruction be heard by THEM.....or will d silence of d aftermath prevail??
will the light of the fire within, be seen or will d darkness tht wud fall afterwards ,be feared ??
will the answeres find their questions or will d questions remain unanswered??

if there is ne1 who can ruin,destroy,demolish,demoralise,disintegrate,dissect ME ....well...thts ME....
I think im tht eccentric architect who builds palaces of cards for years n then kicks em down on a whim....
just 2 see em fallin apart,tumbling down .....
i guess i find it funny 2 see all of it goin down d drain....
the self inflicting pain...
is like cocaine in d brain...
its ADDICTIVE....
n im ADDICTED.....
N d worst/best part [depends on how u/i see it] is....

I LOVE IT ALL

EN-----titled

OK ..... im an absolute blank rite now......why im writin this n wht im writin is besides d point....infact it ws never "D point"......
but since this is MY blog I will write wht i please.....n thrs nothn ne1 can do bout it.....isnt this fun or wht......who d fuk am i askin ths question to???? man im sooooo lost rite now.....
OK ,alrite..... last tuesday i ws returnin from my tuitions n stopped at OXFORD [which has kinda bcom a habit....n for d first fukin time ----a good 1]....i ws goin thru d shelves wit nothn particular on my mind....
MORRISON came,DYLAN.....MAHATMA GANDHI d father of voyeurism - KAFKA - MEIN KAMPF - GHALIB
n GHALIB it ws ...... possibly d most noted n respected urdu-persian poet during the flickering candle-light days of d MUGHAL dynasty.....in d court of d last known mughal emperor BAHADUR SHAH....
but thts not his identity - his identity are his poems,his mind which was way ahead of his times,his individualism,his wit,his blatant disregard for the stringent code of religious conduct in d muslim society -
which reminds me :-
GHALIB ws told by some asshole "the ALMIGHTY wud not listen 2 ur prayers coz HE knows bout ur addiction to wine"
to which GHALIB said "if som1 has wine....what wud he need 2 pray for?"

n i can drink 2 tht....

CHEERSSSSS

THE NIGHT OF THE BLUE NEON LIGHT



Dizzying,blinding and Blue
Neon lighted billboards
serving eager women
Red caped and duct-taped
with fake lust and real hunger
SHE sells ,SHE bleeds
SHE moans,and groans
SHE smiles at her
intruders imbecility
Violating her at her will ,
and at his expense
Feeding his disdained manhood
by the offal of her faked orgasm

Eight hours of paper work
reading,analysing,re-reading
restitutes for two minutes of pleasure
And the blue neon lights
the warm beer
and unpolished peanuts


SHE moves in a known motion
of a tired dancer
dancing to the same tunes
since times immemorial
SHE closes her tired
and complaining eyes
trying to imagine a greener world
With clearer faces
Scantily powdered
NO silicon assets
NO fake eyelashes
NONE of that plastic smirk


He thrusts in and shudders
his impatience,
a bit too eager for his comfort,
releases itself
He moves his prostrate human carcass
multi-layered with adipose tissue
and a blanket of curly hair
and grabs the bottle
of synthetic nectar
that promises to wash away the blemish


The moment of known unsuspecting pain
drags her to the blue neon lights
the tatty pink walls
the rotating fan
[that was once white]
the real world welcomes her
with open legs
as SHE welcomes her invaders
And wraps her around
in a mystified coil
of a forsaken pleasure
as she waits with
closed eyes and open legs
for the dawn of the light
NIGHT,after NIGHT after NIGHT........

CRUSADING THOUGHTS

Profound profanities
are playing hide and seek
mind ravaged by a civil war
is bloody ,tired and weak
Flashes of the shady past
fly by me like blazing spears
And i dodge and i live
Sail the ocean of my tears
The sun has strayed
the moon is lost
the stars are painted red
The summary of my so long life
is a never ending wait
And now i stand and look around
My walls are closing in
The stone of guilt is pulling me down
A war i just can't win
But fight i must ,and fight i will
though HE is on the kill
the disarray of my mind is growing still
Is this love i can't feel??
OR is it hate,is it loathe??
and i ask ,is it both??
What i have, what i want??
Do i have to bear the brunt??
Do i have to fake a smile??
Do i have to walk the mile??
Do i have to have a broken heart
a shattered soul,a muddled mind??
What is it that i pine??
Did you have to be so blind??
Crusading thoughts
are ripping my mind
Should i smile or should i whine??
The darkness inside is like a cyme
it has no words,it does not rhyme
The facade of light,is just a mime
So buy me a pain,buy me some dreams
buy me some air,buy me some whims
buy me the flame,buy me the rime
My insolvence has reached its prime
Cause i am lost....
LOST in TIME......

THE SCARRED FLIGHT

The black scar, the ring
The disgraced falcon
With the burnt wing
Chained by your rules
Crawling in the dust
His talons have been nailed
You did what you must

That he might break free ,
You are scared still
and so you send the preachers
for the profane kill
They did what they could
But he is still unharmed
his vision is clear now
and I can see that you are alarmed

But is there nothing you can do??
You ask yourself
The chains are weakening
And you know that’s true

And today he breaks free
and rises from the dust
He has found new wings
That insatiable thirst
So now he flies high
And look down on you
Your rules have been broken
And you know that’s true….. ....

MY OwN

• this is for me....for no1 else...absolutely no1 else....none....
• this is my space....my thought ...my language...my literature...my voice...my tongue....my speech....
• i can blather bout nethn from the mating dance of king cobras to how i hate myslf for not knowing how 2 fly a kite
• so if u wanna read it ...dnt expect nethn outta it....
• n if u dnt expect nethn of it...why read it in d first place.....
  now u kno wht 2 expect.......go on.....
  
  
  discovering and rediscovering....inventing,realizing,walking,running,falling,walking and running again,stopping for a drink and a few packets of AIR,50 push ups,the dizzing lights,the sniffing dogs,the meddling humans,the fast vanishing faces -- some known,mostly strange strangers,the green planet,the black smoke,unburnt carbon,choking throats,burning desire --- cheap porn,glandular assets,kianna dior,kelly madison,summer sinn,RUNNING....
  UNCERTAINITY,life,death,vicinity of infinity,alpha,beta,delta,sigma,pie,chemistry,relationships,lingerie,moments of pleasure,timeless pain,cutting tools,splattered blood,ink,marks,tattoes...RUNNING
  stinking breathes,sickening looks,voyeuristic pleasure,paedophilism,perpetual happiness,sad NRI s,blue lights,hotel rooms,bed bugs....
  paint job,nose job,boob job,blow job..... RUNNING
  sad kids,dark hours,sweat,blood,gore,shame,fear-shame-fear-shame-fear,wings,sky-fly high,TV,MP3,DVD,iPOD,PC,infrared,bluetooth,network,net --- trap---snap---snap----snap----CRAP--crap---
  society sluts,whore house,wham-bam-thank u MAM,boring girls,pink dreams,suicidal convo --- RUNNING
  BLACK vest,torn jeans,cheap chappal,fancy,arcade,kulfi,beef,beer,dope,white POPE.....nope...nope ...nope...
  RUNNING
  
  RUNNING
  RUNNING
  RUNNING
  .....THE LIGHT....
  falling ....
  DARKNESS
  
  RUNNING.....
  ....RUNNING.....

AN EDUCATIONIST’S BANE

The flames of education
Has burnt your eyes
Has charred your soul
and made you wise
and so you think
Lead the self possessed life
Wait for your calling
But deaf from inside
You resist the alarm
the clock ticks away
you prefer to sleep
and surf with the wave
And your calling comes
But you are too tired to stand
Your life slips away
with the hour glasses sand

The face in the mirror
Is laughing at you
You look away and sigh
Cause you know its true
But you still prefer to sleep
with the warmth of the lies
The education that made you wise
Was your DEATH in disguise…….

IF TEARS COULD TALK AND HEARTS COULD WRITE



If tears could talk and hearts could write
on the pages of life that you painted white
What would they say? What would they write?
Something wrong and partly right
They would speak of that night
the first kiss
the wild hair
the fright
the blossoms of love
the untamed caress
the first sight
the longing ,the pain
the veil that was white
Yes,they would write about that night


If tears could talk and hearts could write
Space is left but volumes to cite
The rain, the fight
the trust , the promises
that vanished with the night
The cube with the heart
shattered by the dart
The memoirs , the words
you still couldnt part
Deep down the river
the letters that you hide
Why cant you give them up ??
Are you waiting for your bide??

Yes they would write
About the hands that held
the eyes that cried
Your reticent pretence
that drowned with the tide
Everytime you confessed
was everytime you lied
If only tears could talk and hearts could write......

MY ETERNAL STRIFE



AND here i go again
with a tired nib
and a withered page
The same old daemon
with a new found rage
Kneeling all alone
in the NECROPOLIS of dreams
that were once alive.
Walking , talking colourful whims
Fantasies that were too dead
surviving on an oxygen tent
A future with an unmendable dent
a heart,wounded by surreal deception
and a soul with a rent......

AND here i go again
fall hard on my face
i break,i slash,i bleed
but the tears have dried
within that seed
that will never find
the humus of life
Cut into pieces by your lies-sharpened knife
Dying on a prayer
is my eternal strife....

THE SILENT MANNEQUIN

U look at me, ogle at my plasticity
Admire my panache
My over flowing feminity
My glassy eyes, my reddened lips
My blond hair, my unreal hips
Intrigue you, makes you take a stand
And have a look
You look into my eyes
And all you can see are the
Fabrics and silk that adorn
My carcinogenic being
And you call me PLASTIC????
My four-walled glass chamber
Is bigger than your four cornered earth
That you claim to have possessed
And ravaged at your will
And you call me PLASTIC still???

You scream when you are hurt
You bleed at being cut
You curse when you are mad
You sigh when you are sad
But I just stand and stare
Watch you try and hide
Your dismantled fidelity
Behind the dark shades of fake loyalty
and desires that are too voyeuristic
And you call me PLASTIC……

You have ceased to live
And now you just live to cease
And wait until you vanish
Into the promised land of nothingness
And I stand as a silent witness
To the erroneous software
You prefer to call LIFE
Your processed thoughts are in oblivion
And your synthetic mind
In a never ending coma
And I still stand in my four-walled glass chamber
Waiting for you to wake up
And take my place in my world
For you are what I once used to be........
A plasticized being
a silent MANNEQUIN....

TO WRITE ABOUT LOVE

I have been burdened to write about love
Those dreams of eternity
That heart with the dove
The blushing redness of that first stare
With clasped hands waiting to go nowhere
Blathering about the blue skies
how I saw it in her eyes
The black night and the soft rain
and how it reminded me of her mane
Those soft whispers of stupidity
In the perfectly empty room
Spoke more than a million words
was the silence that loomed......

It shatters mountains, they claim
Changes the course of a river
Lovers can roam naked in snow
And the sun can make them shiver
It can change the world, they say
And I cannot agree more
It did change the world for me
Opened that closed door
And then you came in
as if the ocean kissed the shore
The shinning sun made me smile
and I could feel the flame in my core
And I loved, and I cried
Never thought there would be more
Was it just a paper with your name??
Or was it my heart that you tore??


It happens only once, they warn
and I cannot hear anymore
Is it true?? I question myself
But only silence answers my roar
Deafening silence answers my roar.......

MY RECALCITRANT WORLD





Now hear me out
Stop your blather
And let me scream, let me shout
Today I shine and I refuse to whine
You claim its yours
but my world is mine

Today I recant …all that you had preached
My soul is free now
Your lies have been breached
So today I stand
With my head held high
Today I laugh, today I sigh
I refuse your lead, I refuse your sight
I break your laws, With all my right
I would learn to fly, I would learn to drown
I would rule my reign
I reject your crown
Your laws are fake, which I forsake
All that you you can give and all that you can take
I shun the light and trust the snake
I don’t want the peace
I would live like the rake
The rules made by you
Which today I break……..

Call me a rebel
A blasphemous child
But you cant stop me now
My blood is running wild
I am not sober
I don’t want to be mild
I am the outcast
And righteously exiled


But I will find my way
The road that is mine
I don’t need your bread
I don’t need your wine
I would take my lead
And not stand in the line
You cant rule my world
Cause my world is mine....

ALONG THE LANES OF BROKEN FAITH

ALONG THE LANES OF BROKEN FAITH

I start my walk
Promenading the boulevard
Of broken dreams
Shadowed by blossoms of infidelity
The untraversed transit
Lined with memoirs
Of the apologetic past
And the uncertain future
I start my walk
Along the same old lane
Unafraid of the broken faith
Encrypted with your bane
The same old marks
The same old signs
The same old turns
The same old lines
And I start my walk
With a laminated trust
And a sceptic belief
Digging,crawling,limping
Towards the illuminated sphere
Of my crimson fear
As the road comes to a halt
The end draws near
I stare into the shining night
It all becomes so clear
But the darkness is breathing still
My mind is in a queer
I try to shake it off
Wash it with a tear
the indelible stain
that I will have to bear

And I continue with my walk
till the end of the day
and the dawn of the night
clutching my heart tight
walkin past the brothels
of lusty naked fright
into the arms of the YIN
and the graveyard of the light
hoping its not too late
Along the lanes
Of my broken FAITH......